Jan
08

How does this story sound for class best answer 10 pts ?please help?

By Editor

Question: AuRoRa
We feel that if we run away it will be better, and wish that if we can go back in time and fix everything it will all be good, but unfortunately is never that easy sadly. But people can’t stop the fast ball once its over the plates now can they? Why change it your just waiting you time what’s supposed to happen right?
If it were that easy we where we get in life when we know every mistake we make we can fix? Will we actually LEARN FROM OUR MISTAKES THEN? For the years I’ve been on this earth I’ve learn that sometimes trying to help people ,trying to tell your opinion only get you caught up. I’ve notice that most are your best friends end up being enemies .Sooo I don’t trust anyone cause ill just be setting myself up to getting HURT. We can never leave a place without leaving our selves behind in some sort of way which II think is pathetic cause Iv wanted to leave so much behind before but never got to .I can even leave a simple memory behind because it’s a memory and it stays with you even if you don’t remember its still there being buried in each and every memory that comes along but small little things can keep that memory swimming waiting to bring back up those extra non ordinary things you used to do as a kid ,or things that you regret till this day.
Life today is no more than life yesterday ,suffering trying to pay a twenty –dollar bill when you only have 8 dollars in your pocket ,so much to so little time ………………………………………………
My name is aurora .I tend to crash and burn in my own pathway, I tried to fix my life my weight my style my color tried to look pretty but never was :( .But I’ve always been just that girl with the C cup sized boobs this summer I plan to lose weight in the mean time ill burn fat running up in down stairs in the busy hallways of my school .where kids stop in the front of you and kiss and yell and all that good stuff.
But to not worry about looks and school, I guess well talk about my life time .I have no mother. No father and I live in a foster home on 14th street in Chicago, on princess by Burns Avenue. And you’ll just have to figure out the rest by reading .I‘ll leave clue which should not be hard to find .You don’t have to listen, I just thought Ill tell you this way just in case someone is listening you know .
In the class room full of chairs and no familiar color painted cracked like lips on a cold winters’ day. The chairs looked hard as rocks forced to be pierced against the floor but peoples butts and unrevealing over weighted people. Desk with doodled creatures waiting to be made into a story I can do that I’m really good with stories ……
Hey! Aurora. Darious says
Hey Dari what’s up?
Nothing how about you buttercup?

Me and Darious had lots and common .Darious was honest ,he was about 5 “7 and he had light brown hair and eyes .And the cutest little voice ,skinny or thin whatever you’d like to call it. He didn’t talk much to people he looked like one of those Hollister models with his shirt off .He moved to Chicago a few months ago he was from Arkansas so people thought he was funny .But enough about Darin . I just move in with my foster parents I‘ve been moving since I was 4 when my mother gave me away even though I was young I still remember that day foster care is not a joke even though many people think they are better off there some really aren’t, you have some families that have jealous children or abusers or rapists
(c)

okay we have to write short storys in class and i already started this one but i was wondering how can i improve on it ?and doesit sound intresting enough to read?ohh btw its not done

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Categories : Medical

3 Comments

1

Don’t submit this. I’m guessing it’s an English paper. For one, it’s got terrible grammar. The names aren’t even consistent. I have no idea what you’re saying. It’s a sure fire F for those reasons alone. As for the rest? Unless you’re planning on making something interesting happen, this is an abomination of literature. Sorry, but try again.

2

ur story has potential, but i think u should review it because it has quite a few mistakes. for instance ” the chairs looked hard as rocks forced to be pierced against the floor but peoples butts and unrevealing over weighted people” does not make sense. neither does this “no familiar color painted cracked like lips on a cold winters’ day.”

u should use a coma before “and” instead of a full stop “Darious was honest ,he was about 5 “7 and he had light brown hair and eyes .And the cutest little voice ,skinny or thin whatever you’d like to call it” and the last part does not make sense.
there are also a lot of punctuation errors.

u must add quotations to the dialogue –> ” Hey! Aurora”

but overall it sounds promising. however, maybe u should make an outline instead of writing directly ur thoughts because it sounds like you’re going to have to cut short ur story.

3

I have to agree with Austin on that. It’s just terrible. Really. It’s hard to read. We don’t understand your point. You have to change the style and the story. Really. We’re not saying this just to bother you. You wanted objectivity right ?

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