Oct
30
How can I support someone who is recovering from major surgery and is withdrawing from everyone?
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Question: Someone very close and special has undergone major, life-saving surgery and now has a huge recovery ahead and must use a colostomy bag (at least for a while). I’ve offered to come out and see him, to stay there and help, but he says he wants to be alone and “withdraw inside myself”. I’m not sure if he’s simply depressed, embarrassed about the colostomy bag, sick of me and my concern, or if this is his way of healing. He is far from any family and doesn’t have “reliable’ friends in the area. I’m wondering if I should just go out there anyway and stay at a hotel and just say “I’m here if you need me,” or if I should respect his request for being alone. Thank you.
5 Comments
October 30th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
If you can do it, then yes….go there. I’m sure he is depressed and embarrassed over the colostomy bag. That is a huge life changing ordeal.
Check out this United Colostomy Association website, too: http://www.uoa.org/ostomy_facts_colostomy.htm
October 30th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
you can offer your support and assistance but ultimately you can’t force them to accept it… make sure they know you are there if they need, remind them occasionally without being pushy and do what you can from afar
October 30th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
You should go first of all that person is going thru major depression any type of surgery that causes a change in the person makes them fell usless. I went thru this with my mom. I think your friend is not only depress but the colostomy will make him very uncomfortable. You need to show them your their for them and that this will not change a thing. You need to go and be a friend right now be strong they will try pushing you away but will know you care when you show up good luck.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
it sounds like he might be a little depressed. he was probably a very independent person before and hates to have to rely on someone. Make sure that you never say, “I know how you feel.” I would try to mention to him that infact you don’t know how he feels, but you respect him, and you would just like to be there for him and help him out if you can, and if he’ll let you, because if the situation was reversed, you hope that someone would do the same for you. Tell him that with his situation, you understand that if it were you, you would probably be embarressed about having to have someone help you, but thats what friends are for. I wouldn’t go and stay at a hotel nearby b/c then it may make him feel worse b/c you are spending your money foolishly, when he may not want you to be there. I would either talk to him with what i just told you, or write him a letter and touch on these aspects. Also, i do think that he may be depressed, but i wouldn’t talk to him about this directly until you think that it is something that is clinically significant. just try to be there for him and explain that you are just trying to be a good friend, and tell him to put himself in your shoes and see what he says. if he says that he would respect your desires to “withdraw inside myself,” say that you just wanted to express your friendship and let him know that you are there if he needs you and you care. good luck though. i hope this helps a little bit.
October 30th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
After having a 11 1/2 hour brain surgery, I just wanted to be left alone so I could sleep. That’s the only time I couldn’t feel the pain. So I can understand wanting to be alone.
Why don’t you go see him and cook him a nice home cooked meal. Sit and chat with him awhile. You might help straighten up his apartment or home. I sure he will appreciate all that you do for him. Ask him if there are any errands you could run for him.
You might also take a movie to watch.