as a single parent how do you deal with a absent father?
ByQuestion: I have 2 kids by 2 diffrent fathers. my son dad and family are wonderful. they help not only with my son but with my daughter whos father is a dead beat dad. my daughter is 8 months od and since the time i was pregnat with her her father was mean and self centered.
so how do i prepare her for the fact her dad dosn’t really care about her?
her father has a older son who is 11. who he does everything for. her fathers mother will help him go see his son but wont really do the same for our daughter. its a fight just for diapiers and her basic needs. i am always tired and at the end of my rope.
i have made it easy for him to see her i agreed to tuesday and thursday and a saturday visits,but he dosn’t show up. he scams online for women using our daughter to get the women to feel sorry for him or dosn’t even tel women he has a daughter.
i don’t want my daughter to grow up not knowing her dad but i also don’t want him confusing her eithr. i just don’t know what to do anymore.
i try to make up for him not being in her life like he should.
for christmas he told me he was taking back her gifts so he could buy hes son more stuff. then when things get tough for him he uses his mental illness as the reason why he is so mean.
i just feel alone and sad that my daughter is not important to him. he tells the people at his church about her but never has invited me to bring her. ever other week its i miss you and the baby i wont our family back then in a blink of an eye he goes right back to being the mean self centered person he turn out to be.
i guess i just want to see how others have delt with the demands of doing it al on their own and how to juggle everything. i can’t work because of my own issues and no one to watch the baby . i just want to find a way to not have to depend on the babys father at all.
i want to raise her to know that she is loved by me and so many others but i fear what her father actions wil do to her as she grows into a adult. i feel like i let her down in so many ways. i really do try to put her needs first.
i just don’t know whay else to do anymore.
sorry this is so long and if anything is misspelled.
1. i never asked any of the grandparents to support the kids. what they chosse to do and don’t do is on them.i have told my dauughters father in the past not to be asking his mom to buy the baby things that are needed not her job
2. both of my kids dads i was with for awhile not like a one night stand or anything.i love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world.
3 i don’t want her father in my life,but she has the right to have a realtionship with her dad,but not at a cost to her snity.
4. yes i am holding on by a thread.staying up nights worrying about how things will effect my kidsand have i done the best by them. in the end my feelings don’t matter it how and what wil hurt my kids . they are inncoent in all this.
5. i have issue that relate to my own childhood and stuff that happen to me. that make it hard to work .anixty and fears but i have my own income very lil but it pays the bills. 
just trying to see what other have done and made their kids still healthy
8 Comments
January 24th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
before you put rage onto him, remember who chose him. you saw the signs, but went with the relationship anyway.
January 24th, 2010 at 1:22 pm
CONDOM NEXT TIME OR else your kids are gonna think, “geez mom, this isn’t right”!
January 24th, 2010 at 2:07 pm
If her father is that mentally and emotionally manipulative, you really should just count your blessings (your daughter and your son, your supportive family) and not subject her to that. You don’t want her to suffer the same way you have by his manipulation.
As long as she has love from you and your family, she can grow up feeling love and be as adjusted as she can be. Unfortunately, there are some crazy and sick parents out there, and she will not benefit from a father who is like that. In fact, his antics may harm her if exposed to them.
Keep your head up and focus on your children and making them happy – not her father who obviously has some serious issues. When she gets older, explain to her that there are different kinds of families – even invest in some books about different families (adopted, fostered, single-parent). It’s OK to come from a single-parent household, or for your father not to be around. I wouldn’t bad-mouth him to or in front of your daughter or son, though, no matter what your personal feelings towards him are.
See if your friends or family can help watch her, or see if there are any church programs that help with daycare. If he’s that messed up, you should really work out a way not to rely on him at all (while not violating any custody agreements for visitation).
January 24th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
The first thing I think you should do is to decide whether you want him in your daughter’s life or yours as well. If just your child’s, then give it time. If he never comes around be prepared to take plenty of pictures at birthdays, Christmas, and other events to show her that she is loved and also to show her who was there for her. When she gets older, she will realize who loves her and takes care of her. As far as the financial aspect, do a blood test and file for child support. Send pictures to his mom, if she wants them, other than that, stop contact with her if she shows no interest.
If you want to be with this man, in my opinion, your daughter will have a harder life watching a man treat you like crap and walk in and out of your life (hers too). She will never know what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. Sorry if that sounds harsh but from what you write, that’s your and your daughter’s future.
January 24th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
Good Lord, people, it’s nearly Christmas! You don’t have to leave such aweful messages for this mother! (this applies to the first two ‘answers’ posted) She’s trying to do her best! What’s done is done and she has a beautiful young daughter whom she cares for with sincere, honest love and hope. Neither of you two have probably been in the same situation, have you? Plus, you’re not helping her out at all.
Sorry about that, Big Mama, I know that was off from your question, but I had to say that. I’m a woman who grew up in the same situation as your daughter is currently in, unfortunately, and I say it’s unfortunate because you always want the best for yourself and your children, but when one parent doesn’t hold up his side of the deal of life, it takes away those wonderful memories everyone could have had.
I hear your story. You sound exactly like what I did, except from the parent’s point of view, rather than the child. I tried and tried and TRIDE to get my father to connect with me, if only so we could speak kindly on the phone, but every time we would end up in a fight or he would use his AD-HD as a fall back. Eventually, it got to the point where he would do things like what your wonderful little bundle of joy’s father is doing. He would take things back so he could buy something else, he would say he’d show up for my art shows and never come, he even used profanity on me that should never be used even around a child.
In my teenage years, I at last decided I had had enough. This man was robbing me of my childhood and I didn’t need him to ruin what I had left of it. Your daughter has a loving, caring mother on her side that’s tried to the end of her rope, and you only want to the best for her, am I right? That’s you. I know it seems wrong to give up now, before your child’s even known her father, but she will grow up strong and happy with you because you love her, not because you love her sibling more, which unlike her father, I don’t think you do. I think you love them both as much as you can, which is exactly how the best mothers work. Plus, I have a new father, one who is absolutely the best person to support me aside from my own mother in my life. A father-figure doesn’t have to be your biological one. The father of your son sounds like a good man for her to know in her life, even if she’s not technically related to him by name or by blood.
When you stop trying to force time with your daughter upon her father, chances are the emotions will eventually get to him. He might get worried about missing his daughter’s first birthday after not seeing her for a couple months, or his son might one day ask to see his younger sibling. And, even if he uses the pity-me excuse in his life but still doesn’t actually make contact with his daughter, one day, she’ll want to meet him. And when that day comes, you’ll be there to stand beside her and walk her to meet her father over lunch or something like that.
Your daughter needs arms to catch her when she falls and the strong arms of a loving parent to hold her back up. It will be hard for you to become both of these, but take it from me, it’s much easier to be told you can meet your father any time you want to but you hadn’t before because of whatever reason than it is to have your emotions and safety nets ripped from underneath you. Your daughter will grow up to make you proud. Help her on her way. Don’t let someone else try and stop her. Her father is her father, but that gives him no right whatsoever to try and stop her.
Overall, I know I may sound mean to say stop trying, but please, do stop trying to force him to have time with her, because you don’t want uncaring, pardon the word here, but, scum like that anywhere near you daughter. It’s better for her to not have to be hurt, so to seperate from her father before she can completely understand the situation will spare her all the hurt I and many others have faced.
Sorry for making this so long, but this is one of those topics that makes me really fired up. You go, girl! Three cheers for the good mother! You deserve it!
January 24th, 2010 at 3:47 pm
First of all, your child’s grandparents aren’t responsible to buy her anything — you and her father are the parents and need to take care of the child’s basic needs. Expecting grandparents to buy things is a bit odd. I have grandkids, and i buy them things sometimes, but i’m not expected to do so. I already raised and paid for my own kids.
I also had a son whose father was absent. He is 34 years old today,and has a family of his own. I remember once when he was about 16, we were talking about the fact his father was never around. I told him i was sometimes concerned because he never really knew his father. He said something to me which i will never forget, and it was, “Mom, you can’t miss someone you never had”
You have the right to take this man to court for child support.
You are also likely eligible for federal college grants (free money) to persue a career for yourself so that you have the means to take care of your and your child’s futures. Federal grants usually come with extra money, especially when you have children. You can also apply for free babysitting services through the State. In my experience, it doesn’t hurt a child to go to a babysitter. My kids had great ones.
I don’t understand why you can’t work – you didn’t say. But there are many disabled people and even mildly retarded people who go to college to expand their horizons. I know a 23 year old retarded gentleman right now, who is graduating college this year. He now has the skills to get a job and take care of himself.
I think the best thing you can do is focus on your child and yourself right now. It doesn’t look like the father of your child is going to lift a finger, unfortunately.
And i’d like to know why you’d want someone “mean” in your child’s life anyway?
January 24th, 2010 at 4:42 pm
I have a 7 year old and a 16 year their father is a dead beat dad he has been in and out of prison all their lives.My oldest takes it very hard she wants him to be in her life,But when he does get out he never tries to see to see her.I never have stopped her from seeing him or having anything to do with him but i wish i would have,Her head is messed up because of him he always tells her he loves her and wants to be there for her and always lies to her.I have to be the one who has to tell her she will be ok she don’t need him she has me i am her mother and her father and always has been.N ow my 7 year old she don’t even know him and has never seen him i don’t want her to know him right now not until she’s old enough to understand what is going on.She knows that he real dads name is larry and that’s all she needs to know.I don’t want her to go through the same stuff my oldest has gone through.It’s very hard on me and them.Just keep on loving your daughter and let her know about her father when she gets older.She will understand.
January 24th, 2010 at 5:35 pm
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091227080534AAmNrHR